Listener Questions
Dear Steve and Bill,
How did your work through all this with your wives? How did they react to your interest in Orthodoxy? For example, the book "Searching for God in the Land of Shallow Wells" came close to causing a divorce. I was so impressed with the arguments while my wife felt, as I shared the arguments, that I was attacking everything she believed and held dear. She thinks I am crazy and refuses to even consider visiting an Orthodox Church with me.
-Listener X
Dear Listener X,
Welcome to the "battle". I say that mostly seriously. I do remember vividly my conversion process. My wife was skeptical and resistant at first. Let me say up front that your situation is pretty normal, in fact very normal. I’ve dealt with converts for over ten years and most of the families that end up converting begin with the husband being zealously interested and the wife kicking and screaming and dragging her heels (and threatening divorce at times). This is an interesting thing because in Protestantism it is well known that the women are the "spiritual leaders" and drag their men to Church. Frederica Matthewes Green did some research and an article about the attraction of Orthodoxy to men that is worth reading. Here is a blog post that gives a synopsis of the article as well as a link to the full text.
http://notesfromacommonplacebook.blogspot.com/2007/10/couple-of-recent-articles-of-orthodox.html
The irony of all of this is that in my experience the men start out in Orthodoxy in a sprint, and the women drag in. But after a couple years the women end up being more pious than their husbands (this includes me and my wife....). Your wife's reactions are normal, real and you need to be aware that her salvation is your concern, even if it means postponing your interest in Orthodoxy. No priest I know will divide a family with the Church by forcing a wife to submit to her husband’s interest in the Church. You have to be on the same page or at least your wife has to be willing to peacefully come along and/or support your move. I don't know how long you have been married, but in my experience it is very difficult for a husband to teach his wife. Often it is best done by someone else. Intimacy and intensity often go hand in hand when conflicts arise over something as important as the spiritual life. It sounds like your wife takes her spirituality seriously, so you should thank God for that. Your primary witness to the truth of Orthodoxy will not be scriptural arguments, but it will be your transformed life. It is not merely an intellectual proposition of doctrines and practices, it is a healing of the human person and the more you are healed as a man and husband, the greater your witness to the Truth of Christ will be to your wife. My wife always tells people she came along because she saw my life transformed, not because I convinced her of doctrinal arguments. Another “practical” aspect is that men are usually convinced dogmatically, but women are convinced more “relationally”. If you are asking her to leave her friends, your kid’s friends and relationships she has built for years for a “dogma”, it just won’t fly. Most women need to have relationships to go TO if they are going to leave some behind. Almost every family in our Church that have converted came to the Church from our family’s dining room table. We became “family friends” before they became Orthodox. I can say without qualification that the wives would not be Orthodox today if we did not have that relationship with them.
There is a lot more to say, but this is a beginning. I hope this helps.
In Christ,
-Steve
And the follow up (edited) email from X.Hi Steve,
DISCLAIMER: Actual listener results may vary! :)
I have been truly blessed - the last time we corresponded my wife was threatening the "D" word if I continued to move toward Orthodoxy...so I told her - "My vow is to you and not Orthodoxy" - this took her back and later that day she told me if I was willing to walk away from that which I apparently dearly loved for her, then she could look again at Orthodoxy. What a change she has in the last month. We have recently been made Catechumens and have a couple who will be our godparents! She has really made great changes in her mind set in no small part due to Our Life In Christ. And we thank you greatly.
-Listener X